Wild Crows: 1. Addiction Read online

  WILD CROWS

  VOLUME 1

  ADDICTION

  Copyright © Blandine P. Martin 2019

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwis circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

  Ebook ISBN : 979-10-97266-424

  Bookcover by BPM créations

  ©Picture : pixabay /free-photos

  https://blandinepmartin.fr

  For dreamers,

  Because there’s nothing impossible if you believe in yourself, if your work hard and if you have faith in life and its beauty.

  CHAPTER 1

  Joe

  I still remember the day when I borrowed one of her most beautiful dress in her closet. I was nine or ten. Perched on stilettos far too big for me, I had decided to entertain my mother with a fashion show, just like the one I had seen on TV. I had selected two outfits. Unable to choose between the one with the black straps and the other made of red velvet, I had opted for both. That was me. I was always second-guessing myself. I still could remember the crystal-clear laugh that came from our living room. It belonged to my biggest fan. Just remembering that moment made me smile. With her long, wavy blonde hair and her round cheeks, she looked like a goddess. She also sounded like one with her voice’s smooth notes. She was my model, my mainstay, and a perfect copy of myself. Fierce as a lioness, she had overcome many obstacles, starting with being a single mother. Only a few men had won her heart, but these cowards had all left her. The last one, a guy named Dwayne, had escaped in the wee hours of the morning without an explanation, despite an idyllic relationship that had lasted for several months.

  It destroyed her. And why did this man leave ? Unfortunately, I knew it. The reason was the same that had brought me there that morning. All these happy memories replaced by an irrepressible feeling of injustice. Why her ? For more than sixty years, my mom’s hygiene had been irreproachable and still ! Fate had decided to give her one last rough ride. That damned thing had eaten her away, starting with her lungs.

  Despite her disease, she never let herself go. She always kept the same smile that will forever be engraved in my memory. She was exhausted due to the endless treatments, but she kept on saying that everything would be alright. I believed her. Maybe more for my sake than hers. It had been a long road, full of doubts and false hope, especially when she finally went into remission. But there always were recurrences to bring us back to reality. My mom had passed away, and I had to deal with the administrative hassle caused by her death.

  “Mrs. Blake ?”

  From the other side of the desk, a woman wearing a grey suit was watching me. With a quizzical look, she politely instructed me to stop daydreaming. I wish I could have run away far from here. She gave me an accommodating smile, and my eyes looked around the room as if I didn’t know where I was. Parts of the walls were made of polished wood, and next to the window, at the far end of the room, antique bookcases were filled with years of archived files.

  “Thanks for coming.”

  I nodded, not entirely sure I was actually there. The executor opened a file on which the name “Margaret Blake” was written. At that moment, reality hit me. I couldn’t escape it. I noticed that the dark blond bob sported by the woman in front of me was perfectly coordinated with her thick and very classical glasses. She took a deep breath, and then she spoke.

  “We are here to open and read the will written by your mom.”

  I felt uneasy when she referred to the woman who had raised me as « mom. » I felt like the word was inappropriate to define her. In my opinion, I was the only person who could use it. It had a whole different meaning when I said it. It carried the love I felt for her, and that nagging pain that would follow me forever. Nevertheless, I didn’t say anything, and I nodded politely to end to this unpleasant meeting as soon as possible.

  “In her will, Mrs. Blake stated that she leaves you her house.”

  It wasn’t a surprise. My mother had prepared me for this. She had always kept me informed, even though it was unbearable for me to talk about her death at that time. I approved silently. Mrs. Dorsay turned some documents towards me and handed me a pen.

  “If you agree with the terms, you need to sign at the bottom of each page.”

  A throbbing pain, rising from somewhere deep inside my stomach, reached my throat. Putting that damned scribble on these few sheets of paper meant so much more to me. It meant that I accepted her death, and I suddenly realized I would never see her again. My stomach was in knots, and I wiped a tear with the back of my sleeve. Then I leaned towards the file in front of me. I remained focused, taking my time, while I was reviewing all the details mentioned in the document. Never a signature had been so traumatic. Even though the executor was probably used to these human tragedies, she noticed my distress, and showed empathy, when she seized the sheets back. She gave me the keys, and I carefully put them into my bag, as if they represented something private or special that needed to be protected from the outside.

  “Fine. You will receive a copy within a week. Your mother also left a personal letter for you.”

  Uneasily, I looked at the envelope she was holding in her hands. Once again, I scribbled my signature on a piece of paper to acknowledge that I had received it in person, on that specific day. We sorted out the last details of the will, but a part of me had already left for a faraway place, lost in sweet memories when my mother was still alive.

  *

  Unable to feel any emotion, I turned on the engine of my old black Comet. Its distinctive and familiar roaring sound soothed my broken heart. I was looking for a refuge in my little cocoon, trying to forget about the rest of the world. The sealed envelope was lying on the passenger seat over a pile of documents. I wasn’t ready to open it yet. I was not strong enough to read the farewell note that my mother had bothered to write down. Without a word, I watched it and drove away as fast as I could.

  CHAPTER 2

  Joe

  Absent-mindedly, I walked through the door. I had grown up there and came back two years ago so I could give my mom her daily medication. I had to give up having my own place. It didn’t matter. I had broken up with Arthur, my boyfriend, and I needed a change. My mother and I, we completed each other. Together we were stronger. I gave her all my love, and I tried to share all the positive energy I had in my heart. She had that special healing effect on me. All my sorrows disappeared when she was by my side. She was like that magic kiss one gave a child to make a bobo disappear in a heart’s beat. Now, this huge house seemed so lonely, like lost in time. My mother had made sure that everything was taken care of, before embarking on her last journey. Nothing had been left unattended, even when she was living her final moments. I knew why she had done it before she passed away. She was worried for me, and she wanted to protect me, her only child. She had time to plan the aftermath of her illness, during those long months when she was not feeling well. Every administrative and logistic detail had been taken care of. One last time, she had protected me, as the loving and devoted mother she always had been.

  I swallowed hard. In the living room, I headed for the big blue sofa, and I collapsed on it, completely exhausted. I threw the pile of documents, including the envelope that the executor had given me, on the pillow next to me. Why did she bother writing
a letter to me ? Was it another farewell ? We had already talked about everything and even more. Why would she do that, especially when she always told me we would see each other again ? I swallowed hard. Suddenly, my curiosity became too strong to resist, even stronger than the overwhelming fear and pain that were torturing me. This envelope was sending me a silent message like a merciless mermaid song that I couldn’t ignore any longer. I grumbled.

  I looked around the room. There was always that dead silence that reminded me, every damned second, my mom wasn’t coming back. It was like an old tune played by a lousy fate, a reality that I was still not ready to accept. My head was throbbing, and this unpleasant sensation finally consumed every part of my body. I could feel its presence in every part of the house, and it was upsetting.

  I knew perfectly every stage of the grieving process. It was basic knowledge for a person working in a hospital’s psychology department. Undoubtedly, I was going through the denial stage. It was the first one of them, just after the one we called “aftershock.” Soon rage would follow. I could almost feel it. At that moment, I felt like I was drowning, and the light coming from the surface was gradually disappearing. All parents must die someday, but nothing can prepare us for this tragedy. I doubted that one could get over it.

  In the house, time seemed to be frozen. I could almost hear the ghosts of my childhood and their happy laughter, like a memory of the past. Hesitantly, I turned my attention to the envelope.

  I gave in.

  “What couldn’t you tell me ?”

  I was talking to myself like a mad woman, so I laughed bitterly. Then, I had a meltdown. Holding my breath, I grabbed this thing that was tormenting me, and I tore it open. With the utmost care, I unfolded the piece of paper filled with a feminine and elegant handwriting. Just imagining its content gave me the chills. As I was reading the first words, tears flooded down my cheeks. Through each word I was reading, I could hear the voice of my mom speaking to me.

  My sweet little Joe,

  I know you well enough to imagine the pain you are going through, while you are reading these words. Yet, I can assure you that everything is alright.

  Time has come for me to go to heaven. You, my sweetheart, need to move on and hold your head up high to face what life has in store for you.

  Your heart is so big. It needs to be filled with love. And this is the reason why I feel it’s time for me to confess. The void left by my departure needs to be filled by someone else. Loneliness is not for you. You are full of love, and it is crucial that you share it with someone. You can’t stay alone for the rest of your life.

  Here I am, twenty-seven years after life granted me the most beautiful gift I could hope for. You. You never dared to ask the most critical question of all, probably because you thought it would hurt my feelings, or maybe because you were afraid to be disappointed. Now the time has come. If you decide to ignore this, I’ll respect your choice. Still, I am convinced it will help you heal. If you trust me, please read on, Joe, my sweet girl.

  Your father’s name is Jerry Welsh.

  I paused to wipe down the flow of tears that prevented me from seeing distinctly, and I tried to regulate my erratic breathing. I had to rest for a few moments to deal with all these words that had never been said. Then, I started to reread the letter.

  The last I heard of him, he had a small shop in Monty Valley, in California. He is not aware of your existence, Sweetheart, and I will forever bear the burden of this secret. I don’t feel sorry for myself or even for him, but for you. It was too late when I realized that I had made the wrong choice and that his absence would create a void in your life. I’m the only person who should be held responsible. I acted as a mother who needed to protect her child. But I failed. Today, I hope there is still time to patch things up and to make up for the biggest mistake of my life. I know it’s a bit late, but I’ve never found the strength to stir up the past.

  I know you have this strength, Joe. You have the courage I miss. You must admit that you are a hothead. You got it from him.

  Go and find your father, Sweetheart. If you must, give him this letter. He might be surprised at first. He will probably be shocked or even get angry. Then he might feel overwhelmed, but it doesn’t matter. The truth can no longer be denied. You have his eyes, Joe, his determination and his temper too. Time will help you heal. I am sure of it. Please, trust me one last time, Sweetheart. The future is yours.

  It’s almost time to go. Take care of yourself, and don’t push away those who will try to help you. The healthy young woman you have become is the biggest pride of my life. I love you to the moon and back. Someday, we will meet again, in heaven. Until then, live your life to its fullest. Enjoy every second of it, and show everyone what you are made of. Keep on moving on, fight for everything you believe in. It will help you achieve your dreams.

  I love you.

  Mom.

  For a moment, I held my breath, torn between shock and sadness. These last few words made me feel like my mom was abandoning me one more time. A wave of unidentifiable emotions overcame me. My eyes filled with tears, for these words were too difficult to accept. Some of them were still echoing in my sore head. Two of them, especially. A name and a surname: Jerry Welsh. My father.

  Completely lost, I flinched. I was a shadow of myself. The shadow of a little girl facing tough choices she would have to make soon.

  CHAPTER 3

  Joe

  My eyes looked through the smoke of the black liquid, I was holding in my hands, to keep them warm. The Short Break Lounge was crowded. Most of the staff met at this cozy lounge, during their breaks, mainly because it was very close to the Stonebridge Hospital. Mine was almost over. That morning, I had trouble staying focused, but I had a good reason. With my heart still in pieces, I had come back to work at the beginning of the week. Besides the pain caused by my mother’s death, my thoughts were consumed entirely but the contents of the letter. Maybe it was a trick played by my subconscious to keep me from overthinking. Could a single piece of paper change my life forever ? I vaguely heard the high-pitched voice of my colleague Saddie, but I wasn’t paying attention. Usually, her weird intonations made me smile. She was the closest friend I had then. I really liked her, and the feeling was mutual. Still, I had not been myself since the day I had read the words written by my mother. A part of me was buried in endless questions, fear and hope, and it seemed like this feeling was not about to go away.

  When her cold fingers touched mine, I jumped.

  “Are you listening to me ? Yes… no ?”

  Saddie looked daggers at me.

  “Hum… Of course, I am… Why would you say that ?” I said in a confident tone.

  My friend sighed.

  “Listen ! I know what you are going through. You really should take a step back, and ask yourself the right questions.”

  “I know. I won’t make any hasty decision.”

  She looked at me doubtfully.

  “Are you sure ? The last few days, you’ve been kind of absent… like you are already gone.”

  I took a deep breath, realizing she was right. I vaguely tried to explain my feelings.

  “I’m simply trying to make sense of all this… I can’t stop asking myself what would happen if I woke up thirty years from now without having met him.”

  My father. I had been obsessing over him for the past week. I guess I needed to finally know. I knew I had to see him. In my colleague’s bright blue eyes, I detected a glimmer of embarrassment. She was nervously rubbing her hands against each other.

  “What will you do if…he doesn’t want to speak to you ?”

  She immediately apologized. She probably realized that she was crushing all my hopes. I wasn’t stupid. Being twenty-seven years old, I had learned to protect myself from the dangers of life. If things turned out that way, I would recover. I would be hurt, but I would survive.

  “I guess he has his own life, and a family too. It will certainly shake him.”

&nb
sp; “Yeah… twenty-seven years without hearing a word… It’s crazy !”

  I nodded silently. My mouth was craving for the hot steaming coffee in front of me.

  “If he doesn’t want to get to know me, I will accept it… I guess. There is nothing else I can do.”

  With a pout on her doll-like face, Saddie watched me silently.

  “Whatever you decide, don’t throw everything away without being sure. It’s too risky. Many people do that, and they regret it afterward. You’d better ask Sullivan if you could be granted an unpaid leave,” she told me using air quotes, while she glanced at the colored sign on which the lounge’s name was written.

  I laughed for the first time in many days. But Saddie was Saddie. She had this gift to lift my spirits up when I felt down.

  “Then, if it doesn’t go as planned, you’ll be able to come back to your old life, and you’ll have your job at the hospital.”

  “I still haven’t decided yet, I...”

  “Come on, you know you have !” She said defiantly.

  Then, she looked at me accusingly, and I laughed again.